{One Month}

On the 23rd it was one month since I found out there was no heartbeat for the baby and on the 29th it will be one month since I had to have a D&C. This past month has been hard, I found out that three of my online friends also had miscarriages during this past month.

I know this is going to sound lame, but it brought me a bit of comfort to know that others are going thru the same thing as me, but also, it brought sadness to my heart that others had to go thru the same pain of a miscarriage.

This miscarriage hit me harder then the last two. I had more time on my hands and nothing to distract me from dealing with my emotions, you see with the first one I was around 20/22 weeks and my husband had just been activated to go to Iraq. It hit William alot harder then it did me, which at the time I found odd but I just shoved my emotions away, had my first D&C and focused on my two little boys and helping my husband prepare for his deployment, I didn't have time to deal.

The second miscarriage I was probably about 8/12 weeks along and my body followed a natural course and no D&C was needed. I got pregnant on William's R&R leave and miscarried while he was in Iraq. I was in school and taking care of Aaron & Sam. I was too busy to indulge the grief, again I pushed it aside and focused on what needed taking care of.

I, of course, got pregnant with Ruth shortly after William was home for good from his deployment and although my pregnancy was a little rough and she decided to come early all was well.

I decided to go on birth control because I just wasn't prepared to have another baby and it gave me 5 years to decide if I wanted to have another baby. At the time of starting the birth control I didn't want to have anymore. That, of course, changed and I had my birth control removed and we started trying again.

We both were excited when I got pregnant after only having one cycle. It was awesome and I was on cloud nine. I had baby names picked out and everything. The weeks go by smoothly and soon it comes time to check for the baby's heartbeat. I knew when the doctor couldn't hear a heartbeat with his little machine I needed an ultrasound. It was scheduled for the next day and confirmed my fears. The next week I had the D&C.

I figured this time I would just deal with this like I had done before, only this time I didn't have anything to keep my mind occupied or anything to help push the pain to the back burner and the depression sunk in. I still am sad and dwell on the lives lost because not only did I grieve for my current loss but for the other two miscarriages. Some days it was hard to get out of bed and I was sooo tired and had a tough time being happy. I saw baby bumps everywhere and a score of newborns those first few weeks. I think that was the hardest, knowing I would have to wait longer for my time to come. I was happy but sad at the same time.

I was on an emotional rollercoaster ride and I couldn't find the brakes anywhere. Now my emotions are getting back to normal and my eating is getting there too. (have I mentioned that now I can eat chocolate!)

It helped that I had so many surrounding me and helping me through this pain. It still hurts but I know, when it's time, I will have another life growing inside me and it will take. (I hope and pray that it does) I know our family isn't complete but one day it will be.

When I told the kids about the baby "going to heaven to be with grandma and grandpa" it was hardest on Ruth. The boys were in shock but once William told them we were going to try again they were ok with it.  If anyone asks about the miscarriage or the D&C, Sam matter of fact like, will tell them "the baby is dead and is in heaven with grandma and grandpa". Of course this statement brings a shocked look onto many faces but that's who he is and is very matter of fact about the situation.

It took Ruth a few days to understand and now she keeps asking me if "I have a baby in my tummy yet?" because she wants a little sister to play with because "the boys are mean!" It really is quite cute because she bats her eyes and cocks her head and puts her bestest smile on and it's just too darling!

Thank you all again for your support and love. It has really helped alot and I can't wait to start trying again...I know my time will come, just when is the mystery.