It's Sunday and I haven't done a thing - no church, no cleaning, no fighting, no breakfast or lunch...
I think I am in a funk.
I haven't picked up my camera just for fun in a very long time. Oh sure, I have taken some pictures over the last few months but those are obligatory images, ya know for holiday's and birthdays, but nothing just for myself.
I have boxes in my livingroom that are driving me nuts and I just don't have the energy to get them out. I know I have pictures of the livingroom "box" free but I got a bed for the guest room and the boxes needed to be gone out of there. So the livingroom became box central. Really it's only like 12 boxes but it seems like the whole room is full from floor to ceiling.
I know I am depressed, but knowing that doesn't change the depression.
I know that having 2 miscarriages in 6 months is the main contributer. I want to keep trying but I am not going to get my hopes up. I worry that I will keep getting pregnant but won't ever carry to full term.
I know having too much time on my hands is also a contributer to my depression. Way too much time to think and think and think and think and then think some more.
I am looking for a part time job, hoping to find something that is in the evening, perhaps even graveyard shift so that I can get William to his appointments, run errands and still be able to pick up the kids from school. Not sure I want them riding the bus.
I haven't been to church since we moved and the fact that they changed the time from 9 in the morning to 1 in the afternoon is a big factor. I hate going to church late in the day, the kids are not cooperative and by the afternoon I am feeling blah. I haven't been really wanting to either. I know I need to but it's hard for me to get motivated.
I haven't felt motivated to really blog either, guess you have kinda noticed - I used to blog at least every other day and now it's weeks between posts. I think I may start doing "Positive Perspective" again, I know I need to start seeing the positive again because all I am seeing is a never ending sea of dark and gloom, I need to start seeing the light and just enjoy life again...
Don't get me wrong, I love my family and my wonderful friends and I know life isn't supposed to be perfect and we have a great life, it's just the little things that are getting me down...ya know like not being able to carry a baby longer then 12 weeks...I figured the first miscarriage was due to just coming off the birth control and figured the next time I got preggers everything would be fine...that not being the case is freaking me out! I guess I did have 2 miscarriages between Sam & Ruth but those didn't bother me as much as these last two have.
It's just frustrating.