{Gone}

My Step brother & his girlfriend are no longer living with us. Things just were not working out and I am happy with my decision to have them move out.

What was I supposed to do when they weren't doing anything but sleep all day and not looking for work? They were not doing what they said they would do when they moved in with us, (find work, save up some money & get a place of their own - not stay with us indefinitely), I told them to find a new place, I would have given them more time to find a new place but due to their lack of communication and disrespect, they ended up with only one day.

I found out after I told them to go, that this has happened before with others they had stayed with. If I had known that I would never have opened my home to them and brought all their drama and lack of respect into my home. Not only do I feel betrayed by their deceit but annoyed that I didn't see it sooner and that I let my children get attached to them in any form.

I learned a lot from this situation. Which is the point of the journey we call life, right? I learned a lot about members of my family who know about the situation as well.  I am more guarded about who I am going to let be around my family now.  Don't get me wrong I will still love my family but I won't let myself get into this situation again. I will help out my family if they need it but not in the same ways I would have in the past.

The beginning of this year sure started off weird, but its sure been a teaching one. I hope that the rest of the year runs a bit more smoothly and without such a harsh learning curve.

On a positive note I go tomorrow and get my blood work done to confirm if I am or am not pregnant. Still no "Auntie Flow" so I am fairly convinced I am, but will get confirmation results by Tuesday. At least if I am, I have my guestroom back to use as a nursery.

{Trying to clear up the Confusion}

Ok, I am still confused but Monday I go into my OB's office and they will draw blood and do a more intense blood test (not sure on the name, just know it's more in depth) and hopefully my confusion will be all cleared up so that I won't have to get one of those clear blue easy tests. The Nurse did tell me that the progesterone suppositories that I am taking may cause problems with pregnancy tests...

I am figuring I am because my "visitor" has yet to rear her painfully crampy head in my direction. I am really hoping that I am because I am now sold on the idea of being pregnant so soon after my last miscarriage (for those who don't know, it was the end of last month), and I know that I will be crushed if I'm not.

Yes, yes, I know it will happen in it's own time BUT I want it to happen now! Patience is not my strong suit lately. "In the Lord's time" as many of my friends have told me and I do know it's true, but darn it! I want it to be now and not have to wait thru many more miscarriages or long months of trying and trying with no success! (Gosh I am pushy about this arn't I!)


So Monday blood work will be done and early Tuesday I will find out the results. (Fingers crossed, prayers said round the clock and tried patience...lol)


Really I want to know one way or another so I can answer Ruth's question (that she has asked every day since I miscarried) "Do you have a baby in your tummy, Mommy?" what kills me is the sweet voice and the pat on the belly I get when she asks me.

{Confused}

(taken 1-25-2010)

I took another test this morning and the above test was my result. It says I am not pregnant, but the other test said I was...I am confused and NO my visitor has not made an appearance yet. I think I am going to have to invest in a more expensive test then just a dollar (plus tax).

Maybe my visitor is just late or my HCG levels are lower this morning then they were in the afternoon on Saturday. (yeah right) Anywho,   I will let you know how it all pans out. Right now I am just confused and annoyed.

{Park Time}

After the kids had a bit of quiet time, William and I decided to take the kids to the park. It was a nice sunny day with a bit of a breeze (cold, but not frigidly cold). I had fun talking with hubby while watching the kids play and have fun outside the house.

Mind you we have loads of space at our place but it's all indoor space and the kids need some outdoor time since it's been rainy the past few days. I took my camera with me to capture a few moments and a few of the last images I tried my pop up flash with the last 3 images because it was sooo bright behind the kids.

I hope you enjoy! I know I did before we got so cold we just had to leave. It really was a very nice, crisp, day. I can't wait 'til spring comes!

{Pregnant? Maybe.}

(taken January 23, 2010)

I took a dollar store pregnancy test yesterday because I was supposed to get my monthly visitor and she never showed. So I thought, "Why not, it's only a dollar and I know it's going to be negative anyways." Obviously, I was wrong, or at least I think I am. I am going to give my visitor until the middle of next week to show and if she doesn't I will take another test to confirm the above test.

Now, I know what your thinking, "it shows 2 lines, your pregnant", but just hear me out. I have put my mind in a state of "being pregnant just isn't going to happen for me again." I gave away my crib to a family in desperate need of one and put all my crib bedding up on craigslist, of course now I won't sell the bedding and I don't feel bad about giving my crib away, it is going to help out a wonderful family who needs it more then I do. I also figured because I just had a miscarriage I wouldn't get pregnant again for a few more months. I mean it did take quite a few to get pregnant again after my miscarriage during the summer. I also am thinking that the dollar store test is defective, look at the squiggly second line.

My other reason for not believing the test is because I had blood work done to test for antibodies & to see if I was pregnant. (both tests came out as negative) But my doctor did say that just because the blood pregnancy test came out negative doesn't mean I wasn't pregnant because you have to be so far along for the blood test to register the hormone levels.

I know I am in denial, but I am taking the vaginal suppositories, just in case. So, I will take another pregnancy test later this week and if it's positive I will set up a time to see an OB and get blood confirmation.

Don't get me wrong, I want to be pregnant but after the last two miscarriages (4 total since I got married, two inbetween my middle & last baby and two within the last six months). I just don't know...I hope it's true & hope it decides to stay but I have some doubts & worries creeping in.

I know most people wouldn't blog about this but it helps me to write it all down and maybe, just maybe someone else will know how I feel & not feel alone in their journey to get pregnant.

{Changes}

I dyed my hair yesterday, put makeup on today and snapped a few quick shots with my webcam...What do you think?

{Pen Light}

These video's were taken of the cats following the pen light that Kitty brought over, (the red dot on the floor), it's tooo HILARIOUS!!!

I was laughing so hard because they would follow it in circles and then get so dizzy they would walk sideways...lol

{It's Sunday}

It's Sunday and I haven't done a thing - no church, no cleaning, no fighting, no breakfast or lunch...

I think I am in a funk.

I haven't picked up my camera just for fun in a very long time. Oh sure, I have taken some pictures over the last few months but those are obligatory images, ya know for holiday's and birthdays, but nothing just for myself.

I have boxes in my livingroom that are driving me nuts and I just don't have the energy to get them out. I know I have pictures of the livingroom "box" free but I got a bed for the guest room and the boxes needed to be gone out of there. So the livingroom became box central. Really it's only like 12 boxes but it seems like the whole room is full from floor to ceiling.

I know I am depressed, but knowing that doesn't change the depression. 

I know that having 2 miscarriages in 6 months is the main contributer. I want to keep trying but I am not going to get my hopes up. I worry that I will keep getting pregnant but won't ever carry to full term.

I know having too much time on my hands is also a contributer to my depression. Way too much time to think and think and think and think and then think some more.

I am looking for a part time job, hoping to find something that is in the evening, perhaps even graveyard shift so that I can get William to his appointments, run errands and still be able to pick up the kids from school. Not sure I want them riding the bus.

I haven't been to church since we moved and the fact that they changed the time from 9 in the morning to 1 in the afternoon is a big factor. I hate going to church late in the day, the kids are not cooperative and by the afternoon I am feeling blah.  I haven't been really wanting to either. I know I need to but it's hard for me to get motivated.

I haven't felt motivated to really blog either, guess you have kinda noticed - I used to blog at least every other day and now it's weeks between posts. I think I may start doing "Positive Perspective" again, I know I need to start seeing the positive again because all I am seeing is a never ending sea of dark and gloom, I need to start seeing the light and just enjoy life again...

Don't get me wrong, I love my family and my wonderful friends and I know life isn't supposed to be perfect and we have a great life, it's just the little things that are getting me down...ya know like not being able to carry a baby longer then 12 weeks...I figured the first miscarriage was due to just coming off the birth control and figured the next time I got preggers everything would be fine...that not being the case is freaking me out! I guess I did have 2 miscarriages between Sam & Ruth but those didn't bother me as much as these last two have.

It's just frustrating.


_

{Winter Break}

Winter break is coming to a close for the kids, tomorrow they go back to school and depending on the way they behave during the first week back will determine if they get their privileges back, (they lost these privileges writing on the walls, back talking and excessive fighting with one another).

Despite every fight, colored wall & psychotic cat climbing where it didn't belong, I enjoyed the break & enjoyed having the kids home with me. William and I are really starting to think that home schooling will be the best thing for the kids next year, but we will see. For now we are gathering information & looking into what we would need to do.

I am going to miss having the kids at home, it's been a wonderful time of fun, games & lots of family gatherings. Since moving our lives have become less stressed and more relaxed. This was defiantly a good move for us, (now, if I could just get the boxes out of my livingroom!).

I am going to clear out the boxes that came out of the guest room and sort thru them and start putting things where they need to go. I also need to do the same with the boxes in the garage. Really there are not that many boxes, they just take up too much space & clutter my living space...hopefully I can get it all done before February. (that's the plan anyways, a month should be long enough)


At least I have my computer off the kitchen table & on the desk that I found on craigslist. Slowly but surely things are coming together but I really wish I had a clean up "faerie".  Anywho, I need to get the kids lunch & get them to start finishing up the last of their homework before tomorrow.

Sorry for the ramble, but it is my blog and ramblings are what I am good at...right?

{Goals: 2010}

I want to work on my goals for this year a little differently then I did on my goals for last year, (I totally sucked on my goals!).

HERE (2009) and HERE (2008) are the posts on my Goals for 2009 & 2008...

My Business goals for 2009 were mostly met, instead of getting a brand new D300 I got a back up D200 & I got new straps for both & I did pick up the crumpler bag, in red! I didn't get the fisheye like I wanted but I did get another 2.8 lens that is a varied focal length. I still need to work on marketing myself here in Idaho, maybe now that I am getting settled I can get back on track business wise.

My personal Goals for 2009 were a struggle. I didn't lose any weight, but I did buy a treadmill. I did try for baby number 4 and instead of a baby got two miscarriages.  Got our debt wiped out with the exception of our car & 2 student loans (they will be paid off this year!) I did get better with my visit teaching, once I had the right companion & I did make friends with the woman in my old ward. I miss them oodles. (you know who you are!) I didn't learn to sew, or even get a sewing machine & I never did find that sitter so William & I could start back up date nights...But we did move in 2009 & even though it went out with a soft hush, 2010 should be a great new journey.

2010 Goals:


1. Lose weight (60 pounds at least over the course of the year!)


2. Start sewing (buy a sewing machine)

3. Get to know the people in our new ward

4. Prepare myself to home school the kids for the school year 2010-2011

5. Start baking bread on a more regular basis (simple I know, but it's been hard to get back into the routine)

6. Create a more realistic schedule and stick to it

7. Have "Date Night" with hubby again, (should be easier since Gary & Sarah are with us, they have offered to watch the kids - at least once every 2 weeks) 

8. Do more crafts with the kids, (at least once a week)

9. Get pregnant (if possible, more blood work needed)

10. Go thru every box and either toss what's inside or find the contents a home (I don't want boxes laying around the house that never get gone thru)


11. Be happy & content with who I am, (even if that person never has another baby or loses the weight)


_

{Ruth's Party}

Ruth was a bit upset that she couldn't open her presents right away because we needed to eat lunch first. I am such a mean mommy.














But soon that changed as lunch concluded and she was able to open up her gifts. Thank you to everyone who made her day so special.






































Ruth kept telling the baby "stop looking at me"...due to the baby not listening, Ruth put the baby down for a nap.




















Soon it was time to sing "Happy Birthday": (imagine the melody and everyone trying to stay on key, but not doing a good job of it)





Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Haaaapppy Birthday dear Ruuuuth,
Happy birthdaaaay to yooooou.


Of course Ruth couldn't wait to blow out the candles and as you can see and blew out the first candle before the cake hit the table. The boys really wanted to help her too as they pretend "blow-ed" (as Aaron said). She had 4 candles for her birthday and an extra one to help her grow an inch. Each candle sat in the point of the crown and Ruth helped me decorate her cake with sprinkles and "jewels" on her letters. And did I mention that the inside of her cake was pink! How awesome is that!!
























The next day Sarah & Gary wrapped Ruth up as a pink princess mummy...it was awesome! Of course, she sorta looks sad, it's a new thing she's doing whenever I pull the camera out, but before the camera came out she was grinning from ear to ear!












Gary even put on one of the birthday hats just for Ruth! Ruth enjoyed her birthday and we all enjoyed sharing in her joy. I can't believe my baby is 4!