Thursday, January 3, 2008

{Falling Behind in my blog: Sorry}

That's right I have been lacking in my blog lately. I post here and on my other one on myspace and both have been neglected lately. Yeah sure I posted some pictures on my other one but to tell ya the truth it's easier to post my pics there then here sometimes.

I have been trying to keep my emotions in check - seems I start bawling at the drop of a hat lately - mostly due to not knowing what is going to happen during William's surgery on the 28th - which by the way is looming closer and closer. I usually don't start crying while hubby's in the room or even up so that's good because he worries when I start blubbering for no apparent reason. I have been having really horrible dreams when I close my eyes at night - I know probably due to stress of all this stuff but it FREAKS me out. Every night is another horror in my subconscious trying to deal with what could happen and of course it's always the worst case or it won't even have anything to do with just William dying but that the kids will die in some freak accident. Either way it's always super scary and about me losing EVERYONE I care about and being left alone.

William asked me the other day why I haven't told the kids that daddy could die during his stay at the hospital and I told him they didn't need to be scared like that before he went - believe me I am freaked enough for all of us. We will be getting a living will done for William within the next week so that we have it on hand just in case. (That freaks me out too, because it's like saying he will die - I know that's not true but it still feels that way to me!)

I have people who want to schedule sessions in February and find myself telling them to call me after the 10th of February so that I will have a better idea of what I will be able to do. Which of course gets me all weepy again about the possibilities after the surgery. I swear it's a vicious cycle of emotional hell.

I have a poem that keeps coming back to me over and over during this whole thing - It's called "The Weaver" and it really brings me some great comfort - lame I know - but it works and calms my nerves. I am trying to not let William's mom bother me and I am thinking that I may just ask her to come up and watch the kids (this way I don't have to worry about them missing school and I won't have to worry about her bothering me at the hospital during William's surgery). This way she feels like she is doing something and the kids won't have to go somewhere they don't know. Win, win in my book.

Below is the poem. I hope you enjoy it. Amazing how much more calmer I am after writing just a snippet in my blog! Maybe now I will be able to sleep without dreaming horrible things. One can only hope!

Author Unknown

My Life is but a weaving
between my Lord and me;
I cannot choose the colors
He worketh steadily.

Oft times He weaveth sorrow
And I, in foolish pride,
Forget He sees the upper,
And I the under side.

Not til the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly,
Shall God unroll the canvas
And explain the reason why.

The dark threads are as needful
In the Weaver's skillful hand,
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned.

He knows, He loves, He cares,
Nothing this truth can dim.
He gives His very best to those
Who leave the choice with Him.

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