Saturday, April 10, 2010

{Freaking Out}

Just for the record, I know this is silly and I am stating this now so you know, that I know this is silly and plain insane and all my hormones are outta wack - even if my hormones are overriding my brain at this very moment and a part of me believes I am completely sane.

(image found here while searching the internet)

I had a horrible nightmare last night about losing this baby. I know it's possible but I heard the heartbeat and this dream really has me rattled. I was doing so good and planning and thinking about all the things I need to get and even got a package of diapers for my "diaper stash". Now I am rethinking it all and want to call up my doc and say "Do another ultra sound and make sure things are going smoothly and baby is still alive - RIGHT NOW!" but I know that is just crazy talk since I have an appointment in a few short weeks anyways, but that doesn't stop me from worrying about it.  I didn't realize just how afraid I am to lose this one, I feel like it's my last shot - I don't know why but that's how my hormone crazed mind is working right now.

I figure I must still be pregnant because I am tired all the time and smells are making me nauseated and the dog threw up and I ran to the bathroom to do the same because I just couldn't deal with the vomit, (something that wouldn't have bothered me in the past, mind you).  My boobs are still tender - not so much and my tummy is starting to get bigger and I am having (what I believe to be) cramping do to my uterus stretching (and not miscarrying). Tonight Ruth sat on my lap and I had to have her sit on William's instead because the smell of her chocolate was going to make me run to the bathroom - it smelled so bad - as did dinner, (which everyone loved - picnic pork roast w/roasted asparagus). 

I am sure I am still pregnant and baby is just fine, but that nagging doubt (which I know to be the adversary) is starting to grow. I am really trying to put it out of my mind and try to enjoy the next few weeks and just get back on track but it's going to be hard. I know I am going to worry about and I will try to get past it, and with the Lord's help I will.

I am praying hard that this pregnancy sticks, I am not sure I can go thru this again, it's just so hard to keep losing and I want this one to stay sooo bad and that the adversary is playing on those fears and anxiety.

Ruth has sure been a delight and hugs me all the time and tells me "Mommy I am hugging you and the baby too, do you think she can feel me?" It's so heartwarming and melts away my fears. I know she is going to be a great big sister and a good little helper when this one arrives. By the way, Ruth always uses "she" when describing the babe growing in my tummy because that's what she wants the baby to be.

Anyways, I know my fears are hormone driven and soon this too shall pass but I figured it would help me get over them if I just wrote down what is going on with me emotionally/mentally because if I didn't I think I would go insane...literally.


  1. I think it's normal. I've been through it 5 times now and every time that fear was there. Especially since there is NOTHING you can do to change anything. I'm trying again but I know what you mean, how many times can we put ourselves through it. I think the saddest thing is that it steals the joy from what should be such a happy time but after so many losses it's hard not to be in constant worry. I pray for you and your babe often :)

  2. xo

    sending some good baby vibes your way!

  3. You may ask if you can come in to your doc for a weekly heartbeat check. I did that, after my miscarriages, and they were very understanding. Didn't take long and the nurse did it. I also had a friend who had a doppler so I used that as well. Talk about overkill! It was so reassuring though. I agree with Kayla, it does take the joy out of the pregnancy when you're constantly worrying.


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